I only know of one person (under the age of around 65 and over the age of 12) who does not possess a mobile phone.

I am not against the use of mobile phones having fallen in the Gen-Y age group, being a teenager in the late 90s when it became cool and ‘imperative’ for every kid my age to have his or her own phone. The truth is, mobile / cellular phones are actually an abomination, nay, a black spot, if you will, on society.

Okay, maybe that’s being a bit too dramatic, but honestly – sometimes I want to punch people in the face when they leave the house with their phones. (I seem to want to punch people in the face a lot .. hmm, something might be in that.)

Here are some of the things that attribute to my happy resolve that some should be punched for leaving the house with their mobile phones.


1. Oh no, the caller must have fallen down the well!

Firstly, this bastardly culprit is probably either middle-aged or is at least some douche who loves the sound of his own voice. They will, of course, have a super obnoxious ring tone; usually something that is inappropriate for their age such as Akon’s ‘Smack Dat’, or Jason Derulo’s ‘Ridin’ Solo’.

Now, I’m not entirely sure if most people are aware of how loud they are talking; or if they do it just because they think everyone else wants to hear their inane, bullshit conversations. Never-the-less, they go about their business, usually displaying their stupid, verbal spewings for anyone within a 10m radius to hear … and then the phone call will drop out.

The offender can’t then just accept that they’ve lost service and hang up and call back, but they will trail in circles, bopping their head around like bo-bo the clown trying to gain service again. When that doesn’t work, the offender grabs his or her phone and usually holds it in front of them as though its a glowing crystal ball that they can see the future in, or at least, what the other person might be doing.

And they start raising their already-treacherously-loud voice in to, “HELLO!?” …. Silence, “HELLO??? ARE YOU THERE???”

Clearly nobody is there.

“HELLO!!! CAN YOU HEAR ME? YOU’RE DROPPING OUT ON ME!” and it goes on as though they are a bogan version of Jack Shephard looking for signs of life down the dastardly hatch, or Timmy O’Toole stuck down the well.

“MATE, HELLO!?” Equivalent to and as urgent as someone falling down a gaping chasm.

Eventually, they either hang up and call back, or the person’s phone gives them an awful fright as the phone has already disconnected the call and the caller has called back and the obnoxious ringtone has blasted out and the vicious cycle continues…


2. You don’t deserve my undivided attention.

Perhaps this little gem bothers me so much as I have been on the receiving end of it in my past two jobs.

It is extremely rude of anyone to come to the counter, order food or other with such an absence and air of importance while they are too busy tending to phone call that is clearly able to wait.

I am not an unfair person, I understand that sometimes it’s impossible to dodge a call, but it takes 5 seconds to ask your friend to wait 30seconds or to call them back in a few moments.

If the call is just so important that you cannot do the aforementioned, then stand aside, let other people order/pay and wait til you are done!

I know, I know, apparently this is astrophysics to some.

It’s almost embarrassing when someone is too busy talking on the phone and regards you with very little of their attention when you are trying to take an accurate order or provide them with accurate pricing or information.

“I’ll have sandwich with 12 types of salad.”

The person goes back to blabbing on the phone, extending an amount of cash that will well and truly cover it, and turns their body outward so you can’t even make gestures to ensure you have the order correctly.

Questions like, What kind of bread would you like?, Is it okay to put all this in the same bag, would you like to upsize? Do you want me to wrap it up for you to take away, or would you prefer to eat here? Could I take a name for your order? If they hand me a card, do you want credit, savings or cheque, do you want to use a PIN or sign? Would you like a receipt? …

None of these things get answered.

It is especially annoying when you can hear that the only conversation that is happening is an exorbitantly inconsequential one.

And guess who is to blame if the transaction works out to be not exactly as they wanted? Right, never the person gossiping about banal crap.


3. Earphones are great! Wear them.

I like a lot of different styles of music.

I like listening to it on a train on my ipod. I like listening to it loudly too, with my earphones in.

And you know why I choose to wear those filthy little wax collectors?

Because it’s the right thing to do.

Oh yeah, your iPhone is fantastic and I’m so glad that it allows you the opportunity to play your phat beatz or whatever that shit is, at a volume that bothers everyone else who is sitting in the same train carriage as us, I always believed that earphones were a completely redundant and silly invention.

No, but really.

Listen up, homeboy — or gangsta-wannabe bogan (your choice), just because you want to hear your crappy array of Souljah Boy or doof-doof music, doesn’t mean that every single other person does as well.

No one cares about your music taste, no one thinks you’re just that little bit cooler for it, if anything everyone just thinks that you are an inconsiderate turd with, probably, questionable music tastes. After all, anyone who listens to Chris Brown and admits to it, is obviously a sociopath.

Plug in your headset, or turn the music off — we all live in hope that you will drain your battery.