With the dawn of technology comes the ease of connecting with a whole globe full of people that we trick ourselves in to thinking we care enough about to spend a larger portion of our day logging in to Facebook to see what they’re up to.

I’ve taken it upon myself to compile a list of creepy things we do on Facebook that I am sure we have all been guilty of at one time or another.

Enjoy!

 

1. Befriending People You Don’t Know

Call me crazy, but every time I receive a Facebook friend request from a person of whom I’ve never met, my ego starts to purr like a happy kitten, but immediately after, I start to feel resentful as to why any such individual would think that they should be allowed access to my own private little creepy-world sanctuary on the internet.

I’m talking about out-and-out strangers, creepers, old men from various different hemispheres, students from neighbouring high-schools you went to, online dating potential’s; shit, even friends from high school that you haven’t seen since. Don’t fool yourself, you don’t know them either.

Case-in-point; some girl I went to high school with is now a convicted murderer. (True Story, Kiesha Abrahams case, anyone? Awful.)

Facebook is a place to connect with your current friends, no? Curiosity gets the better of us, I know, I’ve been there — but I didn’t join Facebook to connect with people I was friends with briefly back 15 years ago who didn’t ever write me letters or call me like they promised to when I moved to Victoria in 1998 … but, I digress.

Teenage girls are the worst for this adding of ‘friends’ that they’ve never met. I’m no expert, but I suppose its fun to have as many people as possible clicking on to your profile to see your gazillion ‘selfies’ taken from strategic angles (well above head level) with extremely high contrast (to blast out the blemishes and remove unwanted facial features; like .. you know, your nose.), prompting them to leave a thousand comments about how ‘smexiii’ and ‘gawjussss’ you are. It comes down to attention and personal gratification that is fulfilled by tricking oneself in to thinking that every update you make is fawned upon by your 600+ friends that you’ve never met, or if you have, never spoken to more than once.

And lets face it, if you passed each other in the street, you’d either ignore each other, or you’ll find yourself passing out after being asked sweetly to just ‘have a smell of this white rag…’ and waking up in the boot of a car that’s trailing through a dirt road in the middle of a deserted National Park…

 

2. Getting Involved In Facebook Brawls.

There’s all this rage on the television about “bringing back the biff” and I think they’re just looking in all the wrong places.

Stop complaining about Friday Night Football being too ‘wussy’ and too bolted down in rules and safety and just log on to Facebook, I promise you, its the best thing next to going to the cinema with a box of popcorn on a weekend.

And sometimes on a weeknight, or afternoon, or really, any time of day.

Facebook fights are usually born from ambiguous status updates made about someone of whom the status author is too cowardly to directly speak to either by phone, text or in the physical, 3D world. Instead of dealing with a problem like a grown up and appropriating the comment directly to avoid a public free-for-all of which will include friends (again, I use the term friends pretty loosely) from either side of the argument jumping in to publicly defend the respective party.

Oh friends, this will be great to watch! This will be exciting! And wonderful! And you’ll be grinning and laughing as the cursing starts, the cursing and the bad grammar, and the autocorrect, and my stars will there be some awful spelling!

Don’t get me wrong, probably the creepiest part of this whole darn production will be the silent lurker-readers who sit back in front of their monitors, probably in a darkened room, grinning and chuckling maniacally while their pasty skin is being burned by the UV glow of the screen.

This is an extremely low-brow form of creepy entertainment where inhibitions will be few and far between.

The threats will be thinly-veiled and without follow-up, but they will be copious and typed with a deep commitment by 10, possibly more or probably less, very angry little fingers.

And it will probably end just as quickly as it began with either a deleted account (for about an hour or two), blocked contacts (oh sorry, I mean, ‘friends’) and the offender will encounter that same morning-after shame that I’m sure must blanket one after they have woken up beside the person they brought home from The Castle Hill Tavern the night before.

 

3. Leave Sappy Messages For S/O’s Who Are Sitting Beside Them.

I’m going to be honest with you, I’m as romantic as the next person. I like my partner to tell me nice things. I love it when I receive unexpected text messages that are loaded with compliments and professions of how much he misses me and can’t stand just another waking second without my regal and intoxicating existence. But, I don’t know if I’d particularly appreciate an audience of people witnessing our private rapport.

These offenders craft status updates laced with nauseating declarations for undying love and wall comments for one another that drip with a literary version of what I imagine would be the equivalent of watching a couple dry-humping one another in a public place, like say, in the middle of a toy-store.

They post photos of each other with captions that go much further than simply admiring their partner’s beauty, but rather deliver upon us unsuspecting perusers of Facebook with a myriad of discomfort by talking about how their heart is singing and rainbows are shooting out of arses and stuff.

Come on, you know the kind — “I am just enjoying my dinner right now next to my big honey-pooh bear that was raised to earth after her Mummy sprinkled her in sugar to make her grow up as sweet and as delicious as she is right now. You are my everything, my earth and my wind and I love everything you do including the way you pass wind to the tune of Classical Gas, you are MINES forever baby.”

Hey dude, how about you just eat your dinner.

You know, that type of thing. You should all probably stop that, it’s gross.

 

4. Public Profiles.

There’s an expression I like to remind people of when they are not a celebrity and insist on keeping their profile on public and it is this; once you put it on the internet, it is there forever.

I’ve seen instances of points 2 and 3 above on public profiles. I know some people don’t necessarily aspire for greatness in life, but at least have some self-respect (and don’t commit offences 2, 3 and now 4) and privatise your Facebook. It is for your own good. Imagine the possibilities of your viewers — you might have a potential employer searching your page (and trust me, it happens during the hiring process) who will rethink your application after viewing your 36+ emo status updates where you have regularly made use of the c-bomb when ranting about your ex or your former boss.

Imagine that you are dating someone awesome, and he or she does a search for you and finds incriminating photos that your friends have tagged you in, or reads status updates that you may have made on a whim that are misconstrued. Worse than that, what if a parent of someone you are dating is going through a screening process (again, I assure you, this happens) and lands upon some of those pesky photos once again.

Unless you are a celebrity or someone of whom carries a professional persona, there is no reason to keep your profile public. Again, it comes down to attention-seeking and fooling oneself in to thinking the world cares deeply about your badly spelled ambiguous statuses about other people that strangers equally don’t care about. I knew someone who kept a Facebook public hoping that an ex girlfriend would read his messages and become angry or upset.

Considering she did the breaking up, I doubt she would have been coming back to check up. And in any case, wouldn’t it be more frustrating to not be able to know what your ex is up to if you’re really that interested?

Go to your account settings and doctor them privacy settings for your own good.

 

5. Leaving Messages For Those Who Can’t Read Them.

“Oh. Em. Gee! Mummy is so proud of you today little Billy, I can’t believe you are two years old already! You are such a big boy, happy birthday my little pride and joy!”

Ohhhh awesome Billy has his own Facebook account and has already began reading at such an early age, I can totally understand why you are so proud of him! Happy birthday, Billy, you have a good day, little man! Heres a birthday tip, stay away from adding people you don’t know including ex school frien— Oh wait, nevermind, you won’t have to worry about that for at least 3 more years! 

Well.

First of all, unless Billy is a 2 year old child prodigy with a steady grasp of technology and how to communicate via social networks, I very much doubt if he is keeping track of Mummy’s updates. And just to defend the case of Billy possibly being a child prodigy, it would be awfully unethical for a parent to allow their two year old his or her own Facebook account (but then again, I’ve seen kids as young as 7 with accounts, so who can really tell these days).

When I am met with these kinds of status updates, I often sit on my hands to disallow a response that might possibly hurt or offend someone of whom I have on my contacts. I chuckle a little bit more and become even more filled with self-importance as people reply to the status with endless birthday wishes for a 2 year old who we all know, will not be receiving them.

And, even if the parent read them out, I hardly believe that without a gift to go along with it, little Billy will care one way or another despite how good the intention is.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I am entirely sure we are all guilty of one or more of these things at one time or another, but like charity, ending creepiness starts at home, especially when it pertains to Facebook.

Written by Jessica Teni