It is currently 7:55pm, I am watching the tennis. My legs are jittery — not only because I become really involved in the Australian Open, but because I am also very nervous about the impending midnight deadline for this important politics assignment that is due. So, after working very hard on the 322 word intro, I’ve decided to do the responsible thing, and procrastinate just a little bit more.

Here are 5 wonderful steps to go through during assignment week, that I am certain everyone who has been a uni student could identify with at some point in their student lives.

1. Become a domestic Godess

Oh sure, cleaning is a favourite pastime of mine, right up there next to watching Startrek reruns and paperslitting my eyeballs.

You can obviously see why this would be an imperative part of the process of completing an amazing, well-researched and educated essay before the due date.

I like to start by making sure that all of my clothes are put neatly in to my wardrobe, but that’s just me, you, you my friend, might like to start somewhere else.

Then I like to make sure everything in my bedroom is sitting at a perpendicular angle, again this is just what I prefer everybody has their own equally effective method. While doing this, it’s a great idea to also rifle through that top “junk” drawer and go through all of your legal documents to double check the personal information of that false-identity you are assuming is in order crap.

You might like to vacuum, lest any flecks of dust particles from your floor may spring up while you’re putting things away and sprain your eyeball; thus preventing you from being able to look at the monitor to type out the assignment. You should dust everything as well, you know, just in case you inhale dust particles and end up with a cough and need to lay down which, again, lets face it– could prevent you from actually getting the work done.

A fresh smelling work space is an effective work space, remember that.

I find it’s a good idea to move around my furniture and sometimes on the occasion of a major essay there is some damning evidence suggesting that there is a necessity for new furniture – this is purely for OH&S of course. It’s right to be ergonomically correct after all.

After you’ve spent around 3-15 hours on this task, you should be almost ready to get writing!

2. Masterchef

 

In order to get your brain energised and ready to expend it’s full and overflowing intellectual capacity upon the clean white slate of MS Word, you’ll probably like me, need to make something to eat.

This is actually an excellent chance to use the all-but-rendered-useless kitchen appliance that someone (foolishly) bought 3 years ago and hasn’t used once.

Also, it is best get some meat to braise, so probably best to take a trip to the grocery store… Oh, and also, there’s that list of necessary items that should be picked up that should read something like this; chocolate, chips, chocolate, crackers, chocolate, sour cream (for dipping chips in), chips and more sour cream… oh and the hair products you’ve been meaning to try….

And none of us are stupid here, we all know there’s no point in trying to study on an empty tummy, so it’s probably a good idea to wait for that meat to braise which should be done almost in time for dinner.

And you know what? … After that it will be almost time to start on that essay that is due at around midnight.

3. Researching

Everyone knows that the key to a fantastic paper is a well-researched one, right?

Hell, I know this… that’s basically why the internet was invented – so that the information is at my fingertips… right? … Well, that and porn, but alas, that’s another story for a different kind of sicko.

So in order to get some opinions on where to look for the information about your essay’s subject, its probably a very good idea to ask your friends collectively over Facebook and also to send an SOS tweet out so that one of your many friends may be able to help with opinions and ideas!

Social networking is much more reliable than it was before when it was all about myspace, you see.

It’s okay to have a conversation on Facebook chat with one of your friends about the woes of your assignment and ask for his or her pointers – and you better listen to her or his woes in return – its only fair. While doing that, it might be shrewd to update your Facebook profile picture as it probably will entice people to come to your profile and have a look at the SOS note you posted for help with your research.

Let your friend talk about life and other such meanderings while you take a couple of super awesome shots with your web cam, camera phone or whatever device is necessary. Upload, and let those friends flock to you with their unending wealth of knowledge and reliability!

This baby is actually going to be cake, it could, in fact, probably write itself.

Probably.

4. Count down the words and panic.

This is an absolute pre-requisite of finishing that essay.

If I know the time like I think I do — and I do, it should be close to midnight, probably about 10pm. It’s all down pat. The title that is, and a couple of notes which may sound incoherent when you read them back to yourself 35 times over, but… oh who are we kidding?

Okay, it’s around this time that I like to start regressing back to the terrible-twos. You know, crying, stamping your foot, throwing yourself on the ground and cursing about how stupid the assignment is.

Because let’s be honest, essays are stupid and usually the questions are ambiguous. Stupid ambiguous essay, I’ll show him who’s boss. BOSS.

I find that it’s usually a good idea to cry and call your best friend or your boyfriend / girlfriend who is probably a frigging scholar by now.

Cry!

Cry and explain your predicament about how you worked so frigging hard on this assignment all day long and how it’s not fair and that probably you’re not cut out for university and you’re too stupid. And also, threaten to take an early exit from your university gig.

Sob now; it helps, get it out. There, there.

5. Panic. Panic and drink coffee.

Panic is a great motivator. Trust me, it’s my specialty.

So it’s rush around to the databases (EBSCO is my favourite) provided by your school. Read a couple abstracts, download the PDFs!

Hurry!

Skim read those abstracts and exerpts from google books for anything to support your horribly baseless essay argument, apply your quotes, start the word countdown game, probably by updating your countless friends on facebook of your progress despite the fact that nobody cares…

Oh, actually that was rude of me; of course they care about how many words you’ve written and are waiting with baited breath to receive an update on your progress every 12 and a half minutes.

Get your 1500 words together, string them together, make them flow…or something, repeat the point if you’re running out of words, just with different words, wrap it up like a nice neat little package… Shove it all together, apply your stupid references in the stupid references section, put your cover page on, email it through at 11:59pm and not a little damn friggin’ second sooner.

Now just sit back and marvel at your own sheer friggin’ brilliance.

Oh, hang on… I forgot a tip.

Do. Not. Under. Any. Circumstances. Read. That. Essay. Over. After. Submission.

Well if  you are happy to find the 18 typos, 2 unfinished sentences, the paragraph that looks like a crayon drawing of your family from when you were six and… and of course… the notes at the bottom that you forgot to backspace, then by all means, proof read it now.

But hey, you effectively completed it. You wrote 1500 words – they may not be coherent and they may just be nonsensical, but there are 1500 words.

Well done, give yourself a pat on the back.

Written by Jessica Teni