Movies are amazing, they make us feel good, they provide an escape from the busyness and tumultuousness of life.
Movies are the books that we can’t be bothered to read (or are the awful adaptations to the books that we did bother to read).
Movies have the ability to take us from our boring, mundane lives to give us something to smile about, or laugh about – or if you’ve, at all been subjected to the awfulness that is a Nicholas Sparks adaptation, it will give you a reason to want to shove yourself in to a wood-chipper.
…But, I digress.
You know what moves are also capable of doing?
Lying to us.
Yes, that’s right. There is such thing as ‘too much hope’ or, presenting ideals, situations or even circumstances that are so far removed from reality that even the term ‘fiction’ seems too generous of a description.
Girls especially fall victim to these lies, or misrepresentation of what is real, because we are apparently very gullible, or have been conditioned by one too many ‘rom coms’ to realise that not every man is going to some how charm a crabby, no-nonsense security guard in to letting them board a ready-to-arm-doors flight.
This done, of course, with a fast-paced rant about the power of love (and possibly Celine Dion belting in the overlay music) in order to convince some broad that whatever earlier complication happened was dumb and that she should give up her flight and plans for a new life to be with him despite his douchery.
No, girls, those things don’t really happen. In reality, that plane leaves, he’s too busy being a douche to realise he was in the wrong, and he certainly won’t try to stop you. We sob over him, we eat pounds of chocolate, we stalk him via Facebook and show all of our friends how gross his new girlfriend is.
My friend and I compiled a (very short) list of stupid things that Hollywood misrepresents in (Nicholas Sparks films) Hollywood Blockbusters.
1. Kissing In The Rain / Shower / Place of Water
I can think of many movie moments where two characters finally realise their love and come together for a kiss and it either begins to pour with rain (I’d take this as an awful sign, just for your information) or it is already raining. The couple engage in an open-mouthed tongue bashing while the rain sheets down upon them, and they maintain their passion and fervor while their clothes are soaked and their hair is stuck to the sides of their faces. How romantic!
Has anyone ever tried kissing in the rain? I can speak as a girl here (because I am one, you see). When you’re going for that kiss, it is nowhere near as graceful as it is presented. Firstly, water gets in your mouth and the kiss becomes uncomfortable, next water droplets get in to your eyes and so help you if you’re wearing make up – make up runs, dude. Nothing like getting liquid eyeliner in your eyeballs while still trying to maintain that ever-so-romantic kiss.
You’ll look like a panda who has been punched in one eye while choking on water, and probably a tongue.
And you know what else? How about you just get out of the rain, idiots, you’re going to catch an awful case of the sniffles.
Crazy shower sex scenes?
Let’s just say that anyone who knows anything about biology knows that sex and water doesn’t mix and leave it at that — although, I keep thinking of How Stella Got Her Groove Back, I don’t know why, probably because awful things are hard to remove from one’s memory bank.
2. Hacking and downloading.
Yeah, I don’t know about you, but I may or may not have downloaded a movie in my time, and let me tell you, it takes a whole lot more time than the time that it takes someone in a movie.
If it took me the time that it takes a character from a movie to download something, I’d probably own at least half of the internet by now.
Oh sure, you pressed about 29 buttons on your logo-less notebook and suddenly you’ve just accessed the government and secret service files?
Pretty sure Julian Assange didn’t tap in to the government with just a zippy bunch of random button-pushing and some clicks of a mouse, I’m pretty sure the data he accessed and distributed took him some 10 or so years to collate and get through.
Sure, we’ll just add some fake bleeps and 1980s sound effects to further attempt to legitimize this representation and change your entire identity, commit tax fraud, change a criminal record and steal some classified information.
But seriously, does anyone know how I can download that speedily? Yes, for completely legal things of course.
3. Drab To Fab
Goodness knows every girl that wears glasses and doesn’t show off her ass cheeks in a belt/skirt must be somehow undesirable and is in desperate need of a make-over.
Its really easy, lets cut-away to a montage of yourself trying on 15 different outfits in front of a promiscuous—sorry, ‘fun-loving’ nemesis-turned-friend who shakes her head and looks at you with complete disgust and dismissal. Wheel in a suitcase full of makeup, grab a trowel and something from frenemy’s wardrobe, still look exactly the same (sans the clothes) –but wait, wait, wait…
Take off your glasses, silly.
Oh, look! Its friggin’ superman – Er, I mean, an extremely hotter (and vision impaired) version of yourself.
Its amazing how putting in a pair of contacts and taking off your glasses and your clothes can alter your entire level of attractiveness! Some serious Clark Kent shit.
No wait, that’s right, this is just another dumb Hollywood lie.
I just took my glasses off just now, and honestly? It was right to put them back on, they were hiding the 5’oclock shadow between my two (almost one) eye-brow. Also, I’m 100% less squinty with them on.
And you know what they say?
Yep, that’s right – nobody likes a squinter.
Written by Jessica Teni